My procedure was scheduled for Thursday morning at 7:00 a.m. I’d never felt so alone in all my life. The feeling of going through this procedure without a life partner wanted to take me down. It didn’t matter I had female support; I was focused on the lack of support from a man.
THE UNTHINKABLE HAPPENS: WHY GOD WHY
At the corner of, “Why God Why” and the intersection of “I Feel so Alone,” the unthinkable happened; I had to take my daughter to the emergency clinic where she fainted in my arms after receiving an injection for an allergic reaction. It was just 48 hours before my procedure.
All my life, I’ve had panic disorder and I couldn’t fathom how these circumstances were orchestrating in my life. All I could focus on was my daughter, (even though she was fine now). “I’m single; who will take care of her if something happened to me?” Yes, of course, she had a father who loved her, but he wasn’t “mommy;” no one was. It didn’t matter she was a teen; I’d always be “mommy” (in my heart anyway). I just wanted to be in control, and when I realized I wasn’t, I panicked.
ON BEING QUIET
I awoke 4:00 a.m. that Thursday, fully intending to cancel my procedure. I was NOT going under anesthesia and risking something happening. As I sat quietly on my bed, I sent out a text to my male best-friend (at the time) who was always there for me in tough times. He didn’t respond; my panic escalated. I remember sitting on the edge of my bed, closing my eyes, praying to God, asking Him what to do.
I clearly remember, as if it were today, in the stillness of morning, I heard God say, “Do you really think I would let anything happen to you?” I felt a presence so real in my chest, connecting me to Him like an anchor. I had a vision in my mind’s eye. I saw God’s hand lifting me as I was hanging on to the end of dark and ugly roots, clinging to them for dear life. I saw God gently shake me off the end of those roots I so desperately wanted to hang on to as I landed on empty, barren land.
Breathlessly, I asked, “Why are you leaving me here all alone without my old story. You’ve left me here on barren ground.” To which I heard the reply, “I’ve left you on fertile soil, a new clearing and a new place to sow.”
I understood from that moment on, God was my constant. He was my all and my everything. I knew I could depend on Him. God hand-picked my old story of “being alone/of not being good enough” right out of me; showing me He was the one on which I could depend – always.
A NEW STORY: REWRITE THE SCRIPT
When the story and that human vulnerability returns, I can return to this memory; I can also choose. I can choose to rewrite the script of “being alone/not being good enough” to one of “I am fully and wholly supported by God.” Praise and glory to God. I can choose to believe God is depositing me on fertile soil. The longer we hold onto an old story God is trying to remove, the longer we delay the new crop God has in store.
Go ahead and plant new seeds.